3-27-08
Quinn
10-25-07
The sound of his laughter
lights up my soul
to be near him
is my goal
Quinn, my son, my beauty be
source of strength and destiny
The sound he makes when he calls my name
I run to calm his fears the same
I run to his sound
to be his protector
to be his guide
and hold a sceptor
I never knew the joy that would come
in being his dad
--- and not a dum dum! ;)
Hell bent
9-2-07
Forged from iron deep in the earth
toil and struggle ore gave birth
beaten to death on anvil's knee
tried and tempered loyalty
held in hand both quick and strong
destined for the emporer's song
instead it cut, it hacked and clawed
a different path that no one saw
hallowed hatred dogged prose
clinch that life from what it knows
it warred against the forger's hand
shirked the shackle and the band
unfettered contemplations sigh
the new beginnings cast a die
the mold is strange, and takes no form
engenders life an empty storm
gentle winds caress the life
that flow no envy nor the strife
of wicked usurptations' gleam
cast off the mote, also the beam
hell to be the destination
toll the bell's doom-laced clever pun
ought they look, ought they stare?
where is safety from hell's glare?
strange assurance says I go
will dice tumble them below?
odds are short for a poor man's fate
best the hangman, concentrate
on what it is that only matters
life, and tiny footstep patter
~mrr
6-4-07
5-7-07
written 3-16-07
Awake!
10/23/06
Droplets of blood
reigning down, falling,
soaking me from above
My gaze
detects a drop
landing on my heart
its there, I can feel it
is that proof enough?
Curiously, I fixate
take the assumptive posture
that this droplet is
Holiness
spilt for me
I watch it pool
spreading into each chamber
extracting fealty
from me
what does it want from me?
everything that I am
everything that I could be
it turns black, stale, and fades
Horrific awakening
set in a backdrop
of a thousand
Gethsemanes of realization
That god isn’t
and that god is
enforced on the edge of
swords
Droplets rain down on me
from above
fewer now than before
the trickle is slowing
I look up
to see
a mangled mess
disappearing
~mrr
It
10/22/06
I listen as I sooth myself,
a placated frame,
doing allright.
Duly bound up
by the curves of time and space,
I am confined and freed
by a belief
that this life is it
Finality unveiled
red satin cape crumples to the floor
pause
and how strange is that?
it is not what I thought it would be
or maybe, just maybe
I do not believe that this is it entirely
I found myself hoping this is not it
I figured, musingly, that
there would be more.
If this is it, then "it" is revealed
duty
sacrifice
obligation
negation of self
commitment.
it is love because it sacrifices much.
it is about letting go of precious things
If I hold on to it
too tightly
it will die
I found it.
I finally did it.
I found out what it is.
You asked me once what it was--
and it is what it is
(truer words have not been spoken)
I never thought it could be so simple
I reflect,
pause
shouldn't there be more to it?
but there is not.
it just is what it is
here, now, present
no more no less.
It is wherever I find myself
halted at the end of the end game
when all the levers have been pulled
and all of the doors closed
until
only one remains open, unclosable
then I live the definition
it courses through me
pulsating
Blasts of reality shake my frame
wind through hair, chill down spine
and the essence of it
is the very essence of that last open door.
I shall not trifle
with the sacredness of it
any more
than walking through it requires
see? The beauty of the unclosed door.
~mrr
Terror
9/2/06
Ah, the blood soaked cultural tapestry
I wring the fabric dry
only to mop up more
my sleepless machine, it never ends
Obliteration. Deception
I feed it dead men's bones
Currency held in litres of blood
I must be paid
Those eyes. Unaquainted with me
Who I am, what I do
Observe, as I reach behind them
Into that new mind
I'll pollute it, poison the well
I'll kill every last representation of goodness
I'll rip out the ability to believe
I'll put blood in the water
Wait until I come for you
You won't escape it
Can you close your eyes to me
forever?
There is no insulation from the hate
If I am skilled
you will gore
with the best of them
~mrr
Purgatory
9-02-06
Undone
Free to roam
Come out of the cave
Blinded
I stagger out
Behold the splendor blooming
Pained
A former life
Forced to return
Regression
Take my wrists
Befriend the chains again
Purgatory
Free to roam
Only where they let me
Regret
I ever saw
The splendor blooming
~mrr
It kills her
June 2006
you might as well
have slapped my face
those words you wrote
will not erase
they'll serve me well
in times of need
when I have
to slowly bleed
when the life force
is compelled to leave
this host of ours
we called reprieve
gives way to death
and dying's call
a beckoning hand
writes on the wall
the doors of trust
are welded tight
You'll not come in
.... not tonight
~mrr
Peyton's Lullaby
May 22, 2006
the day
is gone
and the night
is here
and it's time for you to dream
where will you go?
what will you see?
when you come back
i'll be here waiting
my
little girl
sweet
baby girl
sleep with the angels tonight
~mrr
Perspective Revised
May 8 2007
At one point in time, my perspective
behaved badly
like barbed wires fencing me in,
or a mirror content
in letting me see
only those four stark and forbidding walls
I was always protecting some muted fragility of mine, or my sacred things
other times I looked darkly
into those mirrors, furrowed brow,
I convinced myself it was good, but wondered outloud
so. this. is. all. there. ever. will be.
I had a thought. I realized that it takes
a shattering of glass
to see what lies beyond it
So acting brave, I threw two taut hands
at the expansive mirrors
surrounding me
a thunderous crash begot
one thousand scintillating shards,
that bejewelled my knuckles in an instant
little crowns they were, really, so perfectly centered
my bloody fists confronted me with pain--
pulsing, ripping about with sickening sounds
they drowned out the old-- and the glass was gone
unexpected new scenery confronted me, provoking me
I noted a determined death grip
commanding the gnarled wires to obey
I ran clenched hands along the sharp knobs
lush green fields began to beckon
and with that, I yanked with both shoulders
hesitating, I wondered
if I was welcomed in those fields...
I could not know it until I went there
Still I heaved with fevered pitch
determination masked the pain
the wire gave up it's struggle
I am awake now. the fields know my name
Perspective
April 6, 2006
some times my perspective
acting like barbed wires
fences in and protects
my muted fragility, my sacredness
often
it takes
a shattering of glass
to see
what lies beyond it
scintillating shards
jut into my fist
pulsing, ripping pain
drowned out with new perspective
observe my
death grip on the wires
running clenched hands along the sharp knobs
until the flesh is not there
and still I yank
determination masks
the pain
until the wire lets go
... I win
... freedom
... to see the splendor blooming
~mrr
Written in 2005, Saviorself (Save Yourself)
I hear everything around me
the noise is a mosaic
blended colors of screams,
frustrated ones
The noise I used to hear
has departed
banished to blackness
--for sanity's sake
when were you going to reach down
and lift me up
did you ever?
did I invent you?
I swam
the deep waters
for you
I did
I trusted you'd be there
to save me
if I started to drown
but you were gone
were you on vacation?
you'd let me drown
and flail about
even as I praised
your empty name
the echoes of my screams
displaying my panic
for all to see
but you
I saved myself
once I quit you
not tired anymore
from treading the deep water and drowning
hands form a fist
he doesn't exist
They say he does
do I die to find out?
I'm betting it's all
a mirage
in the desert
formed from parched minds
formed from a lack of living
and a fear of dying
and what would it matter, see
there's nothing paid to me
nothing to show that it works
except my bankrupted soul
I paid with everything I had
I had nothing left for me
you were supposed to pick up
that part
So Mr. Big Sky,
where have you gone?
how have you been
with all of your fans?
now that I leave you
won't you beg me back?
you won't?
oh
I forgot
you don't exist
all you ever were
was a finger
pointed at me
making me feel
like
shit
~mrr
Prop 8
10-25-08
You can't drink from this fountain
between us, skin color is a mountain
Sit there, in the back of this bus
Know your place, what's the fuss?
You are black, I am white
I'm superior, you're a blight
We put up with you and yours
Keep to yourself behind closed doors
Enlightenment, but a shot cried out
He fell dead, a nation's clout
Mr. King are you crying, tell...
For bigotry, is alive and well
Heterosexuality
Reigns supreme, it's 1960
All over again, when will we learn?
Denying others makes it burn
It's good for you, it's good for we
Your concocted threat is make believe
If one loves, one should be able
To pledge themselves across the table
~mrr
For Hypatia
2-26-08
some times
there are things
that sing our hearts so soft
some times
there are words
like birds that carry our dreams
some times
we laugh
some times
we cry
some times
we don't know the why
...........
some times
we stop along the way
and strive to be a part
to see the view
to pledge anew
and caress forever with our heart
...as a father, hypatia, I am struggling to finish.
I put myself where I can but only imagine
you have been and just ache for you.
so some times
the why appears
amidst the tears
and a loneliness
that time forgot
yes some times
the longing years
bring a sacredness of their own
.... dear hypatia. My thoughts and
best wishes are yours
~mrr
empty
10-25-07
The sky says:
You think I'd leave you silent
groping in the dark?
All alone with your breast torn open?
enduring endless pains and scorching?
I'd never do that
Instead I'd give you my back
so you could write the scrolls of your heart
upon me
so I can be the canvases that would
obliterate your pain
and quiet the nagging doubt
that I ever loved you
son
I reply:
Then why don't you do it?
What is the source of the insecurity? me? you?
Feeling alone in this expansive space and time
that envelopes me
and leaves me as if you were never near
only serves to quiet
my quests
to see what you say you are
Ship
9-15-07
Inexplicable intricacies form before me
devils ride the horizon hastily
stirring tempest, their hungry whips rage
crack the sky open, unfurl hell's page
send it out boys! restraint set free
taste again, this icy sea
winds will blast,
devils howl,
deafening across the bow
(the devils found me- heaving now)
I'd been here prior- without a guide
to be here meant that I had died
I had been on this ship before
a dozen pointless times or more
endless canvas without track
the relentless sea pitches back
no direction as if it matter
I lost the compass in the clatter
walls of roiling waves relentless
seek after me, attempt to end this
fathoms under black wave's crest
tortured words rake my breast
If only I could cool the licking flames!
end seared conscience- end these games
shadows form beneath the sea
iron gates, beckoning
the reaper signals me below
the doors pull close by hell's fellow
come here quickly! join the spoil
the shadow darkens, yet he toils
the groan of rusted hinges bind
push on, enter! rape the mind
the doors swing widely here toward
the failing call to arms and sword
divulging nothing at the tip
and masterful is my ship
the devils ride....
they salute me at my side
~mrr
Soul less
8-24-07
Cavorting, snorting through the grass
chilled air goes in as shards of glass
nostrils flare, plumes of smoke
beating heart towards throat to choke
stench of sweat from pompous braying
hear the hooves smell the decaying
bragged it ne'er wore the bridle
bit in mouth, becomes an idol
behind the trees you see the shape
it's the rider, cap and cape
head is turned, its his turn now
to lose his soul, duplicit sow
suddenly a fence arrives
and then the shackles come alive
gripping from the pale shadow
wrenching torque, screams that flow
thought t'was he who held control
now the rider steals his soul
enters him, a careless laugh
eats the heart, discards the chaff
gouge of spur, whip will crack
the bidding of a mind gone slack
it rides, no rest, to get the taste
'til nothing's left of you to waste
headless horseman, heed his warning
make haste, the rider kills at morning
but Crane is hindered,
he will see
not the forest,
but the tree
~mrr
Breathe
8-20-07
Back to life
me, breathing in and out
holding my breath grew
so wearisome
seperation anxiety
does not do it justice
suspended animation more like it
I'll hate myself for breathing
soon enough
But if I don't breathe
I die
~mrr
Redheaded step child
6-5-07
Dang, God.
I'm right here
Can't you see me?
Why pretend I don't exist?
I am like the redheaded step child
you know you have
but refuse to acknowledge
No wonder I stray
There is nothing to come back to
But don't worry
I can't see you either
Reaching
4-28-07
There she lay, unresponsive
a smell of antiseptic wafts in
surrounds me, causes
my grief companion to reappear
The room is sterile
like our relationship
I can't stand it,
I leave with the clack clack clack
of my shoes echoing off the walls
I make the pilgramage
back to my car
to be alone again
alone with my thoughts and tears
Tell him that I know he visited me
she said.
Was that her way of telling me
to come back to her?
It was important for her that I know it
She senses my fear
My awful despair
borne out of the chasm between us
My angel mother
she suffers so
I cannot bear to watch that
I love her
4-28-07
She lies in that bed
confined but lucid
I stare blankly at the wall
I'm in the corner
we're in different worlds though
I feel panic- here comes a disconnect...
hello overwhelming grief
nice to see you again
you must feel how I hate you
tubes, sterile smells,
they bring me back to her bedside
move dammit!
say something!
But... I can't,
I am powerless.
I am confined by her reality
I am a prisoner of her looming death
hot tears, inadequacy, stumbled words
Shout it! Tell her! Scream it out for all to hear!
the sounds I ache to let her hear
are shackled up,
my prisoners,
I deny them-- keep them quiet, abuse them even
they were tortured sounds back then
feeling my whip forcing them back inside
And now that she is gone
the sounds come tumbling out
no longer struggling
but oddly flowing
wildly, unbounded, unfettered
as if trying to capture some far off penance
I am left to scream
what took you so long
~mrr
I miss her
4-28-07
I wish I'd touched her face
one more time than I ever did
I mean I did,
the day she died but
having done that only made me wish
things had been different
A kind gentle embrace
would have been nice
Something, you know, to fill the void
left by the lack of words
At least I'd know
for certain
it wasn't just me who was broken
I had wanted to sit next to her
at a movie or at lunch
Just the two of us
I wanted to be able to at least pretend
that we had something special
But the silence won
every time
in declination
It slowly killed me
And I did nothing about it
~mrr
Stillness
4-22-07
Crying out for that moment
when a soul spills into excess
and perfection is granted
a new definition that
nobody else thought of
The canvas of life with
paints borne out of sighs and wistful wondering
brushes borne of agony and
laughter between the lines...
introduces the heart rending stillness
that crushes it all to nothing, really
Take note of the bleak expanse and
puzzle that this is the canvas I painted
my questions spill messily onto the floor
causing no induction of flair, however,
ample diminution is expressed
The stillness knows me already
but to that stillness
the immaterial essence that infused it
has been scattered out among
these dusty desert winds
leaving those who stand there
to wince as the dust essence whorls about
forcing them to close their mouth
and breathe haltingly
through tightly pulled cotton collars
The stillness knows no bounds
it carries a sky canvas
and invents colors on every whim
colors I've never seen
or heard
and the stillness paints without me
~mrr
Genesis
2-16-07
she's gone
she left us
alone
and with her absence,
a dark winter came to us
all too soon,
these dark days,
and penetratingly cold nights
we did not know how cold they'd really be
vast crevices of solitude
we did not want to explore
for the empty echoes
were deafening
not content to see us abide this darkness
she coaxed out spring and she thought
perhaps it would take root
she never was about darkness
she'd have none of that
here, my love, look here, see?
a newness
a genesis
grace
Touch
August 7, 2006
She fades
She's here and then she's not
a struggle for life going unwon
a hundred questions hold me captive
have i been a good son?
does She love me? is She proud?
by Her side, struggling still
me along with Her
i struggle to say the scrolls
written in my heart
i struggle to find a language
for conveyance
of that which is real
She takes my hand
in Hers
my rosetta stone at last
i did not know
i lost the language of touch
now i am perfectly fluent
She has filled libraries
with her illuminating
touch
~mrr
